Shrekville School: The Paridodic Adventures
This fan-fiction is a parody of the upcoming Bobville School book because peoplez needed more shrek. This is not The Original. It may forever be unfinished unlike the Bobville School. The world just needs more shrek. If you like this story, buy Bobville School: The Adventures of Laurence Fletcher upon future release. Thank you and have a lovely day. PROLOGUE Once Upon a Time, there was a school. Yes, a Elementary School. Most of the time when most people hear 'Once Upon a Time' they think of princesses or castles or dragons or wizards or ogres, but this 'Once Upon a Time' is a story of a school, in a town called Shrekville. Bobville is a place where when people move there, there name changes into "I'M AN OGRE". If they are born there, there name is Martha without choice. But don't think it's a bad place, because if you get a good job, you can be known as your real name and your new name. For example, Miss Millers is a School Teacher, so she is known as 'Miss Millers' or 'Shrek the Teacher'. There was a new family moving to Shrekville, Laurence and his Parents: Mariquin and Jeffery Fletcher. You see, Mariquin, his mother, a very messy looking old hag with black hair, blue eyes, and always wore a sweatband with a pattern of eye balls getting squished, had a job opportunity to be a Gym Teacher. so they packed their bags and got ready to move to Bobville. At breakfast the next day, Mariquin talked to Laurence. "Crumb cake, we need to talk. Your Father and I have decided to move to Bobville, because I've got a job at a school. So your going to go to that school, ok, sweetheart?" And Laurence, who was 12, and had blue eyes, brown hair, and loved to eat sandwiches replied, "But I don't want to go! I have friends here!" "And you can make new friends honey bun cake!" replied His Mother. "Your a smart boy Laurence, you can do this. I had to move to new and odd places all the time when I was your age, and I always made it through." said Laurence's Father, a quite derpy guy. He had brown eyes, brown kind of blond hair, he was fat, and could pick out the worst of everything. "That's because you lived in the old days, Dad!" said Laurence "Yeah, nowadays people can't leave a town without a scar or two. Or a bloody nose." Mariquin replied. "That didn't help, Mom." CHAPTER 1: Packing Day When Laurence woke up, he went to check the mail. Laurence had a note, a note that read: Welcome to SHREKville School, Eglett (Laurence) Fletcher Here are a few tips to make sure you fit in perfectly: ~ 1. Never use your new alias, only Eglett, we would call you Chopchuiganoo, but there are three more of those in your class, so you are Eglett. 2. Do NOT call anyone other than teachers and the others of working peoples their alias either. 3. Do NOT bring your own lunches, that makes Martha (Geourge) pissed. She has already made you enough delicious slopglop for the year. 4. Thursdays are Pizza Day, every Thursday we will bring out a giant 697.2 eyeball jelly pizza, and you should be surprised. If you are vegan, or on a diet, TOO BAD! ~ Now you know what you should do and not to do, also you can rollerskate, bike, or drive your mini mini van in the halls. Also you can not call your pets by their original names. You are assinged to Mrs. Shrek (Millers) class. You will find her class in The Eyeball Salad Room. It is in Kumquat Hall in the Northern Quarter of the School (assuming you have a compass). Since-sear-ly, IM AN OGRE, the Principle. Laurence went inside and showed the note to his parents. "Goody two shoes! This is great, Laurence! Now, go pack your things." said his Mother. Laurence waddled up to his room. "Honey, do you think this is a good idea for Laurence? I mean, he doesn't seem very exited." said Jeffery. "He will be fine. Laurence has moved to many schools before, and I think he's used to it." replied Mariquin. "But what if he's not?" said Jeffery. "You really need to stop saying 'what if' so much." Laurence started packing his cute Shrek T-shirts, his How To Train Your Ogre posters, his pillow, his blankets, his Shrek plushie, and almost packed Mr. Shrek, the family ogre… cat… they really don't know what he is. "RRRARAAAAAWWWWR!" Mr. Shrek hissed. "Sorry, Mr. Shrek. I just got carried away. I just… Don't you think its hard to move somewhere you haven't even heard of?" "Mow." Mr. Shrek meowed. You see, Mr. Shrek never liked traveling. He would always drool, and every time you would almost be done with your trip, he'd go crazy and say "SHRRREEEEEEK! SHREEEEK!" and vomit and poop at the same time, and stink up the car. No one knew why Mr. Shrek would say 'Shrek'. Maybe it was that he would be asking Shrek for help. Laurence's Parents did not believe in Shrek, so they called it 'Hurlin Shrek'. But Laurence believed in the ogrelord. Laurence went downstairs and got Mr. Jenkins some food and water, And went back to packing. It was bedtime, everyone was restless. 'What was going to happen? Will it be nice there?' were just some of many questions drifting through there heads. "THAT'S IT!" Mariquin exclaimed irritatedly, "I'M GOING TO SAY A BEDTIME POEM TO MAKE EVERYONE SO TIRED AND BORED THAT THAT THEY'LL SLEEP, AND THERE IS NOTHING ANY OF YOU COULD DO ABOUT IT, aside sleep. I learned this poem when I was around your age, Laurence. Actually, no. Around your age, Mr. Shrek." "I'M AN OGRE! RAWR." Mr. Srek meowed upon being mentioned. "'The'.…I forgot. Let me just tell you the utterly boring poem now. Shrek met Donkey and Donkey met Shrek and Gingy was fascinated. They all started singing opera, like little fat people. And then Pinnochio made a smoothie. The End. I hope you are all-" Mariquin stopped. Everyone was asleep. That night they all slept as hard as a rock, except Lawrence. They all had to sleep on the same Airbed that night, but Laurence's father was snoring SO LOUD that Laurence gave up trying to sleep, and went downstairs. He went to the fridge, only to see that Grungy Buttocks was smart enough to eat the food that had to be in the fridge, and drank everything else. No midnight snacks for Laurence tonight. ~ He woke up finding himself on the counter in the kitchen with a shroom for his pillow. He found it actually very comfortable, though it got his head wet. "Good morning!" he thought to himself. Just then did he realize, today was moving day. Laurence got off the counter grumbling. "RAWR!" Laurence fell plop on the ground. "RAWR!" Confused for a moment, Laurence realized it was just Mr. Shrek telling him good morning. "FEAR ME!" It was a beautiful summer morning, the sun was shining, the ogres were singing, everything was packed, Jeffery, Grungy, and Mariquin where ready to go, nothing could go wrong. Except something did. "Jeffery, where did you put the keys?" "I thought I gave them to-" "I know, I know, you think you gave them to me, right? That’s always the way it goes." "No, Mariquin. I thought I gave them to Mr. Shrek." Replied Jeffery "Oh… Well why would you give them to him!?" said Mariquin. "I… Uh…" But before he could reply, Mariquin was marching towards Mr. Shrek. "Mr. Shrek, be a good kitty and give me the keys." "RAWR." "NOW!" "FEAR ME!" Mariquin violently pulled the keys out of Mr. Shrek's mouth. "LET GO!" "RAWR." Mariquin walked back, tired. Laurence took one last long look at the place he was leaving, and thought of all the good memories he spent there. He remembered playing with Mr. Shrek, as an ogre baby, he used to extra cry, and extra poop, and annoy everyone. He remembered raking the leaves in his backyard in fall while Mr. Shrek bit his leg, He remembered making his first friend in school, which was eaten by Mr. Shrek. He remembered how sad he felt from that. He remembered trying his first watermelon, which was pulled out of his mouth by Mr. Shrek. He remembered taking his first freezing cold shower because Mr. Shrek turned the hot water off. Yeah… Mr. Shrek always ruined those memories. Mr. Shrek walked up to him and started growling. Laurence stroked him. Then all of a sudden, "RAWR! FEAR ME, FEAR ME… HARD." Oh wait.…not that. "LAURENCE, IT'S TIME TO PUT MR. SHREK IN HIS CUBBY AND GET GOING!" "ALRIGHT!" replied Laurence, "Come on Mr. Shrek, time to go in your cubby!" "NO!" "Yes, Mr. Shrek!" "NONONONONONONO! YOU CAN NOT MAKE ME, PUNY HUMAN, I AM YOUR OGRE LORD!" Laurence sighed, "How many times do we have to deal with this? We feed you and comfort you and-" Laurence was cut off. "I DON'T NEED YOUR COMFORT… OR YOUR FOOD! I CAN MAINTAIN MYSELF!" "HEY, MOM?! CAN WE KEEP MR. SHREK HERE??" "NO! DON'T LEAVE ME! I AM A GOOD BOY! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME, I WILL BEHAVE! PLEASE! I WILL GO IN MY CUBBY, HONEST!" "NEVERMIND, MOM!" Laurence picked up Mr. Shrek and carried him to his cubby. "Here, Mr. Shrek! Do you want some treats?" "YES, YES! OH YES! I mean… I DO NOT NEED YOU, PUNY HUMAN OR YOUR PESKY… delicou- DISGUSTING TREATS!" "MOM!" "DON'T LEAVE ME! I WANT TREATS! PLEASE… OH, PLEASE GIVE ME TREATS!" Laurence gave Mr. Shrek 5 treats that he gobbled down in an instant. He was not at all exited to be called Eglett by all his new friends, or having to call Mr. Shrek… oh wait… his name won't need to change! He and his parents fastened their seatbelts, And the adventure to Shrekville had begun! CHAPTER 2: New Town It was a long trip, but it had come to and end. Laurence was napping in the back seat, while Grungy was complaining about how hungry she was, and that she couldn't reach food. "Jeffery! Stop and give me Mr. Shrek, I'm STARVING!" complained Grungy. "Sorry, Grungy. But we are in Shrekville now. People don't eat cats here, but they eat children!" "DAAAAADDD!" "Just teasing, my boy, just teasing… hahaha… uh…" Jeffery handed Grungy a leftover sandwich. Laurence was still shaking from that comment when they arrived. The thought of being eaten here was freaky and sounded awful. Then all of a sudden, "SHHHHRREEEEK! SHREEEEK! SHHHRREEEK!" "There goes the old cherry now." whined Mariquin. "MOM! HE'S BARFING! AND POOPING! AND SQUEEZING THE JELLY OUT OF A FROG'S EYES! AAAHH!" Suddenly the whole car smelled like an ogre bathroom. ~ "Mom, what are we going to do about Mr. Shrek when I'm at school, and you guys are at work?" asked Laurence. "Oh, cookie, don't worry. We have already called a Boarding Kennel for him." said Mariquin. Laurence decided not to reply. Laurence wondered, what would happen to Mr. Shrek? How would he cope? "We better stop and clean that mess up." Jeffery said. They got out of the car, and Mariquin and Jeffery cleaned up Mr. Shrek's cubby, and just added to the mess because of the smell. Laurence was standing before his new home. He felt odd. He felt like just moments ago he was saying goodbye to his old home, And now he was saying goodbye to his old home, And now he was saying hello to his new one. The air was warm. The breeze was soft. The sky was blue. His shirt was covered in ogre vomit, but he didn't care. Laurence was lightly excited, but he didn't feel like he could tell anyone. The house was brightly colored, it must get pretty hot here. There was a Maple Tree in the front yard. He wondered about how his school would look like. Would he make any new friends? Could he fit in? Is it possible that Mr. Shrek won't ruin his memories here? Only time will tell. "Laurence, you are so cute when you cry!" Mariquin exclaimed. Laurence could tell that their new neighbors were listening and laughing behind their backs. "I'm in heat, mother!" replied Laurence. The neighbors' laughing intensified. He turned to his mother. "Mom, don't say that so loud! The neighbors can hear you!" whispered Laurence. "Sorry," said Mariquin "But, 'I'm in heat, mother!' is NOT a good save." "Alright.… " Laurence whispered. "MOM! I am… I am chopping onions… for the… um… Neighborhood barbeque party to welcome us here and get to know people! Yeah!" Laurence shouted, aiming at the neighbors, but trying to make it look like it was aimed at her. "Why don't you go inside? Go check it out, see what room you would like." Mariquin started to shout, "AND TAKE A BREAK OF PREPARING FOR THE… UM… PARTY! YEAH!" "Okay!" Laurence said. Mariquin gave him a 'we need to talk' look. Laurence walked inside, embarrassed. Mariquin followed him. "You know NOW we need to plan one! And fast! Chopping onions a week early is not a normal thing, Laurence." "I know, mom, I know." replied Laurence, "I just did not want to sound like a weirdo." "Yeah, yeah, like, 'I'm in heat, mom!' is normal…" "WOULD YOU STOP BRINGING THAT UP?" "Sorry…" Jeffery walked up to Mariquin with his sunglasses still on. "Ah, children. Always being stupid goofballs and trying to be "cool"." said Jeffery. "I remember you playing "cool" with me, Jeffery." Mariquin replied. Jeffery crossed his arms and gave a smug look, peeking from the top of his glasses. Laurence was exploring his new home, he felt cramped in the kitchen, found the living room very unnecessarily large, and used a tiny bathroom for the first time there. He went upstairs, and saw the first room, it was nice and comfortable, it had a hotel closet, wood floors, and it had a window that overlooked the dump. Ooh, pretty. The second room was a bit smaller, but mostly the same. The window actually overlooked a golfing course this time. "I'm not a huge fan of dumps." Lawrence said as he walked through the room. "Aha! That’s perfect!" Laurence exclaimed. What he saw, was the most perfect thing! "It has a no-touch toilet!" It was absolutely amazing. He'd always wanted one. Mariquin then came and saw him waving his hand over the sensor to flush the toilet in the middle of his room, and she said "That's awkward. It did not say there was a toilet in the middle of the kid's bedroom…" "MOM! I'M USING THE POTTY, HERE!" "OH! Sorry…" Mariquin slowly walked out the door and shut it behind her. You see, Laurence doesn't like being bothered when focused. I think you can tell by now. ~ Tomorrow was the first day of school, so Laurence, Mariquin, and Jeffery had a lot to do, while Grungy sat in front of the TV and did nothing. "A lot to do today, eh?" said Jeffery. "Yup." said Laurence, with a mouth full of pancakes. "But we do need to get Mr. Shrek all set up." said Mariquin, slurping up her leftover milk from her cereal. "OH MY GOSH! I completely forgot! Uh, uh, I have got to help him, uh… he was in his cubby all day and night!" And with that, Laurence was rushing outside with half a pancake in one hand, and the car keys in the other. "He is cute, right, Jeffery?" "Uhuh… Uh… yuh… uhlululu…" "Jeffery?" Once Laurence was outside he heard the mumbling of Mr. Shrek, "HELP ME! I'M DYING… HELP ME… HELP… SOMEONE PLEASE HELP… HELP… UGH… HELP ME! I'M DYING…" Laurence rushed to the car and popped open the trunk. "THE LIGHT.… I'M COMING… I'M DYING… BY CRUEL WORLD…" "Mr. Shrek?" "IS THAT YOU GOD? YES. I AM HERE. I'M COMING." "Mr. Shrek, I'm here to bring you inside!" "MY SAVIOUR! I AM NOT DYING! I AM FOREVER GREATFUL! TELL ME THY NAME MY BEAUTIFUL SAVIOUR, SO I MAY BETTER SERVE YOU!" "It's me, Mr. Shrek, Laurence!" "LAURENCE!? EHUGEUHEUGH!!! I WILL NOT SERVE YOU, WHAT I SAID WAS NONSENSE FROM STRESS! I WILL NEVER SERVE A HUMAN! I AM INDEPENDENT!" "Yeah, yeah, Mr. Shrek." Laurence and Mr. Shrek then walked back inside. Today was the first day of school, and Laurence was nervous. He was not sure if Mr. Shrek could handle being on his own and with other pets! Laurence was definitely unsure about this. THE END I hope you are all-" Mariquin stopped. Everyone was asleep.